An Orgy of Hors D'oeuvres

Fanny turns her experienced hand to Hors D'oeuvres for part 23. Well, simple winter hors d'oeuvres to begin with, pitched at beginners. More experienced hors d'oeuvres will come later. First of all Fanny wants to get something off her chest that has been bothering her. It's the Americans. They've upset Fanny by referring to hors d'oeuvres by the revoltingly inaccurate name 'Starters'. Don't the Americans know any French? Their proper name derives from 'en dehors du menu' - or outside the menu - and should correctly be 'fiddled-with savoury bits entirely separated from meals at a table which titilate your taste-buds beforehand.' No fiddling-with should occur at the table. Got it.

It's not just the Americans, Fanny is also scolding those Scandinavian scallywags who, according to her, got there 'hooks on the theme and ran it ragged' with Smørrebrød or Smörgasbörd. Fanny warns that Scandi travellers have long been left with their pants down (gastronomically) at parties when they are led to the table gorged to the gunwales for the grub proper. They find out the hard way not to blow-out on the reckless and bacchanalian Borgian Orgy. No pants down at the table. Got it.

Thanks heavens for the French, who Fanny notes (as ever) sort things out for us all. They are 'ever practical' on these matters, realising that there is economy and nourishment in a first course à la table largely composed of vegetables. They are the ones responsible for cutting down on the consumption of costly main courses with hors d'oeuvres as we know them today. Only frugal French sprees, diet-friendly debauchery and mighty merrymaking are acceptable at the table. Got it.

Fanny informs us that throughout France hors d'oeuvres feature on both home and restaurant luncheon menus, this being the main meal of the day for civilised folks. A true Frenchman will devote up to two hours of his day 'stoking himself up', safeguarding his teeth with the civilised practice of using a toothpick and then relaxing afterwards before returning to his work. Whether he's a roadmender or a muscular and tattooed lorry driver, he will be eating hors d'oeuvres we do not recognise in this country. Stoke up any muscle-bound French, tattooed workers then repose before getting back to it. Got it.

Maybe with Liptauer Cheese from Austria perhaps? Not very French at all, but Fanny insists is so very easy, and for beginners this is essential. It is immensely popular in Austria and was given to Fanny by an Austrian friend. So it's definitely Austrian. It's essentially butter whipped up with cream cheese with paprika, mustard and carraway seeds added. I add onion seeds though. Fanny also adds capers and anchovies. Eurgh. Once blended they need to be shaped into a rectangle and decorated with pretzels round the edge. Pretzels should be also handed separately too, to encourage dipping. If not a French fling, over-indulge by whipping an Austrian quickly. Got it.