Stuff that Judge!

Fanny doesn't like to judge (much *cough*) but she doesn't like vegetable racks. You know the layered ones that lurk around the kitchen. She goes as far as calling them 'beastly things' that are no more than a 'tiered sieve which silts dirt onto nice clean floors or shelves'. Have a quick glance into your own kitchen, is there one there? If so, you may be one of the happy but uneducated band of housewives who are new to housekeeping and may need Fanny's help in how to judge your vegetables. Fanny is an authority and is keen as ever to critique your shopping basket and appraise the vegetables you've shamefully returned with. You clearly need help.

Cabbages should be crisp and hard to the touch - Fanny says limp leaves and pliable centres are 'eloquent of old age'. Cauliflowers too should be crisp and hard, with each floret white and tightly snuggled up to its neighbour. Celery should snap when you bend it - if it bends, move on! Please do not buy Brussel Sprouts that look like 'over-blown cabbages for Borrowers'. Fanny appears to be blushing slightly, or maybe it's me, as she discusses Brussels. She knows the French have a vulgar name for them, but she simply won't share it with us. All she will say, delicately, is that it refers to them being firm, tight and tiny. Oh my, Fanny!

Fanny likes her carrots hard, crisp, thick and stumpy. Never as long, tapering things which are inedible. Quite. Jerusalem Artichokes should not be like tired waiters' feet, just in case that was your preferred point of reference. If they are all bunions and knobbles, they are not suitable for munching on. The artichokes that is, not the waiters' feet, that is entirely your own preference. Fanny prefers hers with only tiny knobbles, which are easier to groom instead of full-on knobbles which are murder for both time and hands. Again, this applies to artichokes and not waiters. Maybe.

To prepare a range of 'crisp and hard' vegetables for the judging bench, Fanny suggests a dazzling array of canapés. Sure to impress even the fiercest of critics. Brush a mushroom with olive oil and bake it for ten minutes, before topping with carefully wilted and sieved spinach mixed with cheese, butter and seasoning. It can look fairly plain, so of course, top it jauntily with an almond. Steam a baby marrow (also known as courgette, Fanny helpfully points out), split it lengthways and scoop out the insides. Mash them and mix them up with breadcrumbs, cheese, garlic, butter and seasoning, stuff it all back into the baby marrow and bake. While the oven is on, you may as well make the most of it so scoop out a tomato and stuff it with breadcrumbs, cheese and herbs and pop it in there too.

If no only-slightly-knobbly artichokes are available, a tin will suffice. Drain them, top them with a thick cheese sauce and bubble them under the grill. A sliver of tomato is all that is required to transform your presentation. Again, jaunty is best. For the final canapé, Fanny reaches into her handbag and reveals the tool of all true professionals - the boat shaped tin. Bake scraps of pastry in them, and fill with steamed carrots chopped finely and mixed with cream and a mere 'gooseberry' of butter. Fanny judges these to be the bees-knees of canapés, little did she know in only a few years her judgements would mean the end to her career on the BBC. Just ask poor Gwen Troake who was 'judged' by Fanny to be a rank amateur. These days an online petition would call for Fanny to be reinstated à la Clarkson, but poor Fanny had to slink back to her rack-free, silt-less kitchen and convince herself that she was right, she was always right, it's the way of professionals.